The Hidden Cost of Self-Sacrifice in Friendships II

To build a truly meaningful connection with another person, three things matter more than anything else.

Don't sacrifice yourself. Don't expect anything in return. And be honest about who you actually are.

But for someone who has spent their entire life operating in an unnatural way — being honest with yourself isn't as simple as it sounds.

Because at the root of that way of life lies a certain kind of fear.

There's a fear that "people won't accept me for who I am" and "if I don't meet everyone's expectations, I'll be forgotten."

So where does this come from?

There's never just one answer. But when you trace it back far enough, you almost always end up in the same place: childhood. And the relationship you had with your parents.

We learn what relationships are supposed to feel like through our first relationship — the one with our parents.

Young children naturally want their parents to understand and accept all of their feelings—joy, sadness, and anger.
However, they get hurt when their parents ignore or fail to accept their feelings.

For example, consider these family environments:

The parents are very intimidating, and the children constantly live their lives trying to read their moods and avoid upsetting them. The parents are always in a bad mood and irritable for no reason. Or, conversely, the parents are so unreliable that the children constantly have to be mindful of them.

Growing up in such an environment, "reading other people's moods" becomes a very natural habit.

For young children, sharing joy with their parents is the greatest happiness.

That's why—when parents are unreasonably upset or ignore their feelings, children are hurt far more deeply than one might imagine.

And to avoid further pain, they try to protect themselves by suppressing their true feelings.

They constantly live with anxiety, prioritizing their parents' feelings over their own, and doing their best not to upset their parents.

The parent-child relationship, which should be bound by unconditional love, becomes an unnatural "contract."

And this experience unconsciously instills a certain value system:
"Human relationships are about constantly trying to read the other person's mood so as not to offend them."

This value system doesn't change even in adulthood. It becomes a person's "way of life."

If you spend your life reading the room, avoid upsetting others, and making yourself easy for everyone to be around — you probably won't be openly rejected. People won't dislike you.

But here's the quiet cost of that:

"Nobody dislikes you—but nobody loves you either."

No matter how kind, pleasant, and amiable your mask may be...